GREEN Christmas - Top 10 Funniest.

1. Grinch it. Bully a small dog into helping you steal Christmas only to give it back at the last minute. Sounds fun right?  You don't hafta wear pants and your heart will grow three sizes.

2. Envy. Simply covet thy neighbour's gifts!

3. Greenback. Buy a winning lottery ticket, for a change.

4. Zombie.  That dude you kissed under the mistletoe is now gnawing on your shoulder.

5. Nausea. Too much rich food will make you green around the gills.

6. Practical Presents. Wine probably fits into this category. It's not exactly environmental, but hey, it's wine. As The Huz says, "wouldn't you rather give your money to a family run vineyard than a big pharmaceutical company?"

7. Orion Slave Girls. They make a nice holiday treat....if you're into alien sex. Uh, I mean sects.

8. Last Minute Green Gift. You get a surprise visit from Aunt Mildred, and she's got gifts for the whole family. But you have no gift for her! Uh-oh....better sneak into the bathroom with your laptop and get her a Kiva Gift Card to loan $25 to third world entrepreneur.

9. Noob it. Enjoy the green sensation of learning something new.

10. Make-up! Get your fabulous friends to paint you green and take pictures.

Got any more?

Kathy Slamen Photography, Body painting  Alex Hansen, Hair & make-up Naita Ratycz, jewelry and hair accessory by Serafina, vintage gown courtesy private collection of Nancy Marrelli.

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GANGSTA 101.

Welcome to today's episode of ...

Please welcome my special guest Interviewee, grade 8 school teacher and self proclaimed Smartness...JW Moxie!

JC: JW, hey welcome to the show! Let's start with a skill testing Gangsta question: Do you think that "evolution" should be taught in schools?

JW: I mean, like, yeah. It should totally be like, a subject because Adam and Eve and then dinosaurs - HELLO, DARWIN. Personally I believe that evolution and creationism are both like, important theories and stuff. Like math. I believe that math should be taught in schools, too. Wait - what was the question?

JC: And that answer is correct! One of the things I like about your writing is the Gangsta timing. Timing is a big deal for animators. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

JW: Timing? It's always a good time to be a Gangsta. Unless by "timing," you mean the ability to deliver a punchline or theme statement at the appropriate point of narration to achieve the desired emotional effect.

JC: Uh. You had me at "good time".

JW: I win!

JC: Okay Missus Smartnessypants, keep your panties on. Your fave Gangsta word seems to be "Word". Since you're so knowledged in English, what are your all time favourite made up words?

JW: Good question. wreckadent (n): a wreck that's worse than your standard accident; f*cknuttery (n): something so effed up that it's nutty; ballsome (adj.): having the balls to be awesome;. "That joker cut me off in traffic and almost caused a wreckadent. It was pure f*cknuttery, but because I'm ballsome, I let him off with a stern look instead of flipping him the bird." WORD.

JC: So you're an English teacher as well as a Gangsta, right? Which Great Names from literature (not including The Bloggess) do you think are Gangsta material and why?

JW: Dean Koontz (Just kidding). Gloria Naylor - I love how she subtly weaves her books together with whispered allusions (i.e. The Women of Brewster Place and Bailey's Cafe). Another favorite is Theodore Geisel aka Dr. Seuss.

JC: Dr. Seuss? I've heard of Dr. Seuss!!

JW: Contrary to popular belief he is the OG of rap, not Grandmaster Flash.

JC: Let's pretend you're a Gangsta for reals: you're walking down the street being badass, and when you get to the corner a Buddhist nun stops you and asks you to hold the end of a piece of string for a minute. The nun takes the other end of the string and disappears around the corner with it. You wait. A really. Long. Time. And then finally you decide to cautiously peer around the corner. There, holding the other end of the string and peering back at you is Donald Trump! What do you say to him?

JW: "Trump. Dude, really? Are your hands so busy counting greenbacks that you couldn't hold the string? Playing "pull my finger" wasn't sophomoric enough for you? You're fired. And please, for the love of all that is Gangsta, do something about that combover."

Word.

The "YO! YO" drawing was part of an awesome Christmas mug-swap for the Aiming Low writers. Yes, she's drinking out of it right now, go see.

UPDATE: My mug from JW arrived this afternoon! It is The Ballsome. Are we in sync or whut?

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

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Deeds & Magpie!

Little Deeds doesn't know it yet but he's getting an updated version of the Dog4Deeds drawing with Magpie on a t-shirt.

Don't know who Deeds is? He's a little boy with autism. And Magpie is his autism service dog - she keeps an eye on him. It was nearly a year ago that Caryn Haluska AKA @ihave7monsters recruited me to help Deeds' family. Back then, none of us knew what kind of dog would be found for Deeds, so I drew a Golden Retriever. Turns out Magpie is a pretty Black Lab!

I'm still so proud of what we achieved together. It was one of those special social media moments where so many folks came together to help someone. You know who you are.

Don't tell Deeds about the t-shirt!

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Those are MY gloves.

I lost my favorite gloves whilst shopping at the Alexis Nihon Plaza this weekend. When I got home, I called every shop I went into.

Me: Bonjour, I was in your shop today and I lost my gloves. Have you seen them?

Storeperson: Gloves? What colour?

Me: They're green! They have no fingers, they look like crocodiles, with teeth. I really love them.

Storeperson: One moment please.

Me: Okay! I really hope you find them. I bought them in Paris four years ago. They're irreplaceable....

Storeperson: Madame? I am sorry. We have not seen your glasses.

If you see anyone wearing these gloves, they're mine. Thanks.

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The YES-a-holic.

This story originally appeared on Aiming Low. Something recently happened to me which prompted me to re-purpose it here, with a different ending...

*     *     *     *     *

Hi. My name is JC…

… and I’m a YES-a-holic.

It’s not always the word “yes”; other words are involved. Like “sure”.

And “Okay”.

And sometimes it’s just, you know, good old-fashioned submissive posture.

I guess my problem is that I’m unable to say “no”.

I want to please. So I try to do it ALL… which inevitably leads to The Overwhelmption.

When you see an angler fish in the room with you, you know you're in too deep.

But once in a while something comes along, that you simply must say "no" to.

What should I say? I can't go to the shop and buy food with tweets. I can't pay my electric bill with tweets. I can't clothe my kids with tweets.

So I did what any red blooded animator would do.

I fell off my chair.

But I still managed to avoid saying "no". I am a true Yes-a-holic.

It happens more often than you'd think - someone just expects an artist to give up their work in exchange for 'exposure'. In some cases, such as causes, I will draw just for love and fun. But greed and bad behaviour is a big turn off, in real life and social media alike.

What is your take on this?

Here are 9 ways to say NO.

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The Grinch's Missing INCH.

Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed something wrong with this dude?

I double dog dare you guys to leave the lyrics to the Mr. Grinch song in the comments. I'll start you off:

"You're a mean one, Mister Grinch..."

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Kicking Cancer's BUTT.

You guys are amazing. There were a whopping 68 comments on The Supah-Sam Contest!! All to cheer on a little 4 year old boy with leukemia. I'm so proud of you.

So much imagination! There were many fine entries but one truly nailed it:

"Dear anummated laydi, I'm 4 years old, my name is Conners aka @allconsoffun and I want you to draw me beating cancer up with Supah-Sam because cancer is a mean ugly villian!!! Draw me as HALF AS cool as Supah-Sam cuz NOBODY can be as cool as Supah-Sam"

I think this is the drawing we all want to see.

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR THE BIG C. Cancer deserves to get it's butt kicked by a couple of four year olds.

Congratulations to Connie! She actually has a t-shirt in real life that says "I fight like a girl". After drawing her as Supah-GRRRL today I noticed she'd been tweeting "GRRRRRRRR" quite a few times. Coinkidink? I think not!

Now listen folks, Connie's mom passed away this morning. I've known Con for two and a half years on Twitter - we bonded over Boobie Wednesday, a campaign to promote self examination and breast cancer awareness. She's a tireless advocate for cancer survival and awareness. I asked her if she was comfortable with this post going up today and she said she was. Her mom was a 3 year cancer survivor herself and a lovely woman who will be missed by many. I know that Connie would be appreciative of any comments and condolences left here.

Take home message...The Supah-Sam Contest was all about boosting morale. Please carry this away with you and pay it forward: hug someone you love, offer a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen and a kind word. When others are in need, it's important to reach out and respond, in whatever way you can.

Special thank-you's to Sam, Sam's parents, and @JWMoxie The Smartness, who touched me with her story about Sam.

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Get Your Daily MOJO with the Pickle Weasel CALENDAR.

Got a friend who's down in the dumps? Someone who needs a little extra lift in their life? Mid-life crisis got yer mojo? The Pickle Weasel Calendar is a farking celebration of mojo! This is an excellent choice for a Christmas gift for anybody.

Pickle Weasel has totally hijacked a bunch of my blog posts and pickleweasel-ed them.*

*Notice how I totally blame him? And this is just a small slice of the drawing.

Pretty great right? You can get the regular calendar, or you can get the ENHANCED one with QR Code fun boosters (special order, so just ask in the comments below). Every month has a little QR code on the drawing which when scanned, will take you to the funny blog post. For example:

Don't know how QR codes work? Click here for my tutorial. See? I thought of everything! Irresistible, right? You're welcome.

Note: Buy it HERE. I'll make $5.07 on every medium sized calendar. It's not a lot, but it'll help pay for the toilet paper around here. Support your local bloggy cartoonist!

If you love Pickle Weasel, lemme hear ya say "MOJO!"

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QR Codes and STUFF.

I made some new business cards (I use the term "business" loosely).

There's a QR code on the back instead of loads of text. Honestly, I wish everyone used them for their cards cuz it's kind of a pain to manually input names, numbers, websites, twitter handles, G+ profiles blah blah blah. See where I'm going with this? One nicely integrated QR code can do it all. Whatever link you submit, make sure it's mobile-friendly. I used this site to generate my QR codes.

"How do I read a QR code, JC?"

 Aha! I thought you might ask that. This vlog is short and you get a nice view of my lap.



For those who prefer list instructions:

1. You need a smartphone. Stupidphones don't do QR codes.
   
2. Download a QR reader app onto your smartphone.
   
3. Point your smartphone at the QR code, as if you were gonna take a picture of it. Make sure you see it in your viewer.
   
4. The phone reads the code and displays the info on the screen.
   
5. The app menu will offer you the chance to save the info in a number of ways.
   
6. If it doesn't work, you maybe need to get your phone's IQ checked.

I heard there was some mistrust of QR codes cuz they're being used for commercial marketing and stuff and folks are sensitive to that. I also heard that you should only read a QR from a trusted source in case of viruses. I plan on using them to enhance print media with cartoons and animation cuz it's fun, fun, fun!

Stay tooned for tomorrow's release of the Pickle Weasel Calendar, complete with QR code FUN enhancers.

A camera that focuses close-up is on my Christmas wish list.

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I Draw YOU - @qstreet

This beauty is the wonderful winner of my Couch Potato - Super Spud contest. Her name is Sam Parrotto, but you may know her as @qstreet on Twitter. According to her bio, Sam seeks magic.

But I think magic just found her.

Inspiration for this drawing came from a magical photo of @qstreet by her friend @Jackinessity.

Want to be drawn by me? Subscribe to this blog and don't miss the next contest.

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The Supah-Sam CONTEST!

Introducing...four year old Sam, who loves peanut butter and jelly passionately, and wants to fly through the sky in a blue Supah Suit. Did I mention his favorite color?

This imaginative little boy is the surro-baby of my friend The Smartness AKA @JWMoxie. She cried out for help last week cuz Sam has leukemia. That's cancer folks.

Why the contest? Morale!

Sam just started chemo and he's bravely facing the ordeal with his parents, Terry and Stephanie, and a very fine companion named Chemo Duck. I wanna cheer them on.

Now, when you're four... your imagination is in free flow, unfettered by responsibilities. So for this contest, I want you to pretend that you are four years old, like Sam! Use your imagination.

All you have to do to enter is comment below, like this:

1. "Dear anummated laydi, I'm 4 years old, my name is _________ and I want you to draw me dooing _________. Draw me as cool as Supah-Sam." 
   
   
2. Get out there in the real world and hug somebody you love. This part is super important. If you don't do it your name will be mud.
   
   
3. Then Stumble, Tweet, G+ or Facebook this contest. Use this hash tag liberally - #SaveOurSam.

Zee Prize: I'll draw the winner as a four year old and give them a t-shirt AND a mug with it.

Zee Rules: You can only enter once. Most inspiring entry wins. I get to decide that and if you want to know how my brain works, well, just check out a few of my previous contests. If there's over a hundred entries I'll award a few consolation prizes. Contest closes Friday December 2nd at midnight. Winners announced the following Monday.

By entering this contest, you agree to allow me to draw you and to blog the drawing of you. I own the artwork but you can use it as your avatar if you want!

I like to get behind causes from time to time. A little animation can go a long way.

Find out who won!

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The Emperor's KLOUThes.

WARNING: Full frontal nudity.

According to their blog, the new Klout scoring model is now more transparent that ever.

I dunno guys....it doesn't look any different to me.

More Klout funny?

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The MIGHTY Mouse III

...continued.

Last episode he was sick at home and wondering if he'd rocked his report card hard enough to deserve a pet mouse. The 11 year old boy languished.

Oh the frustration.

Oh the suffering.

Oh the runny nose...!

Until the 14 year old sister went to see his teacher and brought the report card home.

I laid the sealed envelope on the table and took my eleven year old son by the shoulder. I looked deep into his eyes and said, "If your report card shows a big thumbs up in math, what are you gonna get?"

"Um...a mouse?"

"And if your report card shows a big thumbs down in math, what are you gonna get?"

He looked down at the floor and his eyes welled up with tears.

I held his chin in my hand and tilted his face up to mine.

"Boy, you've got a great attitude, happy pets and a tidy room. I've seen all your homework done and the tests you've proudly brought home to show us. You tried.

I don't need to open that report card; in my book you've more than earned that mouse."

Meet the mighty mouse mice!

Let's give the boy a big hi-five!

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Weeping.

Yesterday I noticed that Bambi was slowing down. I offered her some romaine leaves and she did munch on them a bit. But she suddenly seemed smaller than her friend Momo. She'll be leaving us soon, I thought.

Although we all help look after them, Bambi and Momo are the 14 year old daughter's. She got them from the SPCA a few months after her first pig Mr. Snow finished his long life. The SPCA would only let them go as a pair; guinea pigs are social creatures and many are happiest with a life-long companion.

I'm sorry to say that Bambi was not doing well this morning. She lay in her hut, her eyes half-lidded. Momo lay beside her and when I passed near she'd venture out saying "Weep, weep, weep!"

And around mid-day Bambi slipped away...

* * * *

Bambi is now lovingly wrapped in pale purple tissue paper. Tomorrow in the morning light, she'll be laid to rest under the paving stones in the garden. She'll have Mr. Snow to keep her company, along with Night Silver, Ginger and Misu. Come spring, there will be crocuses.

As for Momo, she's "weeping" for real... We're hoping she can soon settle in with Goosie , the 17 year old daughter's pig.

Guinea pigs make wonderful pets; they're soft and furry, and they happily sit on your lap and allow you to stroke them. Our kids have helped to care for them, whispered secrets to them, written stories about them and sought comfort in their gentle warmth.

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The MIGHTY Mouse II

...continued.

Last episode, the 11 year old boy RAGED because math stood between him and a mouse.

With one week until back-to-school I decided to lay down The Law.*
*Cuz I'm not always a YES-a-holic.

1. Attitude: be gracious and respectful, even if you disagree.
2. Current pets need attention, love and care.
3. You must ROCK the first report card.

Then you can get your mouse.

At first he scowled. But realized immediately he'd instantly put even more distance between himself and El Mouso.

The weeks passed. Never has a boy in the history of boys been so focused on a goal.

1. He not only did his chores, he consistently offered to help with additional stuff, like mowing the lawn, vacuuming the car interior, cooking dinner and the occasional pedicure. He even cleaned his room without being asked. I know, right? My jaw is still hanging.

2. The goldfish (a gigantic 10 inch long beast) could now actually see me staring back at it through the glass of a clean aquarium.

The guinea pigs had an additional person changing their water and plying them with fresh veges previously destined for the compost.

The dog was played with...

...and taught a few new tricks...

...oh dear...um.

*Ahem.*

3. The boy insisted on sitting at the front of the math class instead of at the back. Tests were looked forward to and prepared for, the results were proudly displayed to us instead of being hidden in a crumple at the bottom of the schoolbag, homework was ploughed through with great determination. When he didn't understand something, he actually asked for help.

We're not talking two weeks of improvement here, we're talking two months. With no lapse. Which is a lot when you are eleven.

In between all this, the boy ached for his mouse. He studied mouse training videos.



He built a fantastic multi-level mouse habitat with his father.

He hoped the mouse he wanted at the pet store would not be fed to another animal...no 11 year old boy has looked forward to his first Grade 6 report card in quite the same way.

However, the teachers delayed the release of the report cards by three more weeks. The boy was disappointed, but he kept with the program.

The mouse he had his eye on at the pet store mysteriously disappeared...

But he kept on.

Then the boy got the flu and had to be kept home for two weeks. He worried that his grades would be affected. He worried that he would fall behind in the homework. He worried that the report card would be issued while he was sick at home....

...which it was.

OMGaaaaaaa. How will the boy get his report card...? And will he rock it? Most of all, will this 11 year old boy ever get his mouse?!?

Find out what happens next!!

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